A Forensic Analysis of the Perfect Tweet
A Masterpiece in 6 Parts
What you see above this line is perfection. It’s the completion of human evolution. From our humble beginnings as a single celled organism, the insatiable ambition of life itself eventually found it’s way to this moment. It’s Sep 6, 2013. Humanity woke up thinking it was just an average Friday. You probably had people saying to you how they were ‘thanking God it was Friday’. And yet from these ashes of human wit, this complete waste of our ability to communicate in spoken word — arose a phoenix. The salvation of humanity. And the world was never the same again.
Rob Delaney, our modern day Jesus, reached for his phone, and used his opposable thumbs, at one time, the peak of human evolution, and yet no more, to compose the tweet you see before you.
your mom’s haireolas make my pænus enchubben
Rob Delaney, 2013
Here are my 6 reasons why this is perfection.
There is no context to this tweet. None at all. Experts have searched and hypothesised as to why Rob Delaney was thinking about such things at that time, but have all come up blank. But isn’t this what genius is? No set up. No assist from anyone else. No reason to do what needs to be done, other than the simple fact that it does indeed need to be done.
The most memorable goals in football aren’t tap-ins set up by a teammate, they’re ridiculously random acts of isolated genius. The man who first squeezed the udders of a cow had no reason to do so — and yet now we have milkshakes. Where was the context for freaky looking melting clocks? There wasn’t, and yet Salvador Dalí used them to create art. And that is exactly what I propose Rob Delaney managed here. Art. And it is this lack of context, that is the very driver of this.
Much like the context, there is none. Now usually this would drive me mad. Grammar is there for a reason. People who deny it tend to be fools, or going through that awkward phase around 13 years old where they think the precious seconds they save by not typing the ‘y’ and ‘o’ in ‘you’ will somehow transform their lives.
Yet the lack of grammar in this tweet only make me respect it more. It follows no rules. Boundaries are only what you make of them. Was Rob’s lack of grammar a political statement, comparing our reality to that of the police state envisioned by George Orwell’s classic ‘1984’? Almost certainly not. But it might be. And for that reason — I stand with rob and his lack of grammar
Your momma jokes are the foundation of every comedian’s arsenal. No joke can put someone back in their place quite like a ‘yo momma’ joke. They are savage, they are uncompromising, and they are effective. Shakespeare himself was known to dabble. See below from Titus Adronicus:
Demetrius: “Villain, what hast thou done?”
Aaron: “That which thou canst not undo.”
Chiron: “Thou hast undone our mother.”
Aaron: “Villain, I have done thy mother.”
If it’s good enough for Shakespeare, it’s good enough for me.
The first big hitter from this twitter. Rob Delaney needed to create history. And yet the English language was unable to get across quite what he needed to explain. So what does Rob do? He invents a new word. That’s right — only the weak are held back by such things as ‘what currently exists’. The innovators create, they push forever forward. Urban Dictionary defines a haireola as:
The random boob whiskers that grow around the nipple.
The second groundbreaking word of the tweet. Pænus. Read it. Say it in your mind. Now say it out loud. What you’ll instantly notice is how fun all 3 were to do. Not only is it liberating, but because it uses foreign characters, it’s also technically ‘cultured’.
Rob could easily have just typed ‘penis’. A fine word, and an even finer body part. Alas no. Rob wanted more, he wanted you to know this is exactly what he means to say and not even the tiniest bit less. This isn’t just his penis he is referring to, it’s his pænus. The final form of the penis. A penis that can speak Latin fluently as it can speak the language of love. A penis that could pull off a beret and not look like a pretentious, well, penis. By god, this penis could probably break the 100m sprint record by Britney Spears, drink a glass of fine 40 year old Scotch, and seduce the Queen herself.
Pænus — I bow down to you.
Finally the last great pillar that holds aloft this great tweet. Not satisfied with coining 2 new words in his tweet, Rob embarked on a third, possibly even stronger brand new word. Where the first 2 words are nouns, it’s fitting his final gift to the world was a verb. A doing word. Because that is what Rob Delaney is. He’s a doer, the human personification of a verb. Excuse my language, but he gets shit done.
And by golly, what a word. There’s no dictionary definition for this one — oh not on your nelly. He could have used ‘enlarge’ but no pænus in its right mind does that. That’s a borderline scientific word. He could’ve said engorged, but frankly that’s a gross word to go along with the other mistakes humanity made like the word ‘pus’ and ‘Rowan’.
No, the only thing a pænus could ever truly do, is to enchubben. To cheekily grow in size, even though you know that you shouldn’t. But it’s worth it, and you know it is. It’s a free world. No scratch that, it’s Rob Delaney’s world — and we’re all living in it.
I think it’s clear from my 6 points, that this is no humble tweet, in the same way that Bohemian Rhapsody wasn’t just a tune hummed in the shower. It’s art, it’s a masterpiece, it’s possibly the key to human existence.
And to prove how much I believe in this cause, I will be doing the below. And if you take anything away from this piece, I implore you to do the same. #EnchubbenForTheDicktionary