SCOTT’S RAMBLINGS

Which Avenger would be the best to go for a pint with?

Photo by mnm.all on Unsplash

“Sweet, so would I: / Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing. / Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow.”
Romeo & Juliet

The pub. The public house. The boozer. The local. The Drinky-Drinky Do Do. Whatever you call it, whatever political leaning or religious belief you may have —parting with the pub has been devastatingly difficult.

It will return though. Stronger, better, faster, hopefully less sticky. And watching Avengers: Endgame the other night, I found myself wondering — who would be the best Avenger to get crunk with? To fail on the quiz machine with? To argue about the importance of structural integrity in a burrito with!?! Below are the conclusions I came to:

Thor

Thor Odinson. Avenger AND Revenger. The God of Chunder himself. Clearly the guy can drink. His biceps alone are probably capable of soaking up a barrel of Guinness and then slamming Mjolnir down on a kebab shop counter to truly emphasise the point it needs to make about garlic mayo being by far the best kebab condiments to the ‘interested’ workers. So he’d be able to keep up, and gets massive points for longevity.

However, there’s 2 versions of Thor. Arrogant bastard Thor who if we’re all being honest, would be a wee bit tiresome in the pub. He’s smashing his beers back and cajoling you for not finishing yours yet. He’s starting fights with people who admittedly do deserve a lightning bolt directly into their anus, but probably didn’t need it to happen this particular night during a quiet drink.

Then you’ve got mopey and/or fat Thor. This guy is complaining about his dead mother, father, brother, sister, best mate, half of his race and his lost love (though to be fair it is Natalie Portman). You feel sorry for the bloke but you also want to talk about football and bewbs. And that’s a hard conversation transition to make. He’s also eating all your cheesy chips at the end of the night.

So not a bad start for pub companion at all, but personality-wise he’s lacking. 6.2/10

Captain America

So Stevo is literally incapable of getting drunk. So 10/10 for the longevity. Also, if he is able to drive, then he’s a permanent designated driver. Top notch. Good going Rogers. And that shield, perfect for carrying a round of pints WITH shot chasers. Delicious. Then there’s dat ass. Are you even friends with someone if you can’t enjoy their derriere?

And yet, the guy’s a wet blanket. He’s telling you off for swearing, he’s ruining your mad bantz with a demand for respecting everyone, he’s talking about his PTSD. None of these are great for a good night out. And THAT OUTFIT. I mean dayam. Cringe. Jesus Cap, who told you that was even remotely acceptable? He does grow that rad beard at one stage which almost claws it back, but he’s otherwise a complete square. He does get a few points back for seducing a lady, then her niece, then literally traveling back in time — just so he can bang the original lady again. That’s the action of a top lad. So overall I’m giving Cap a 5.8/10.

Black Widow

Straight away I’m intrigued by the stories she must have. What the hell happened in Budapest!?! How did she become a member of SHIELD? In addition to this, she has the weird shock weapon thing, which if used when drunk — would be as funny as ‘Don’t Taze Me Bro’. Her leg scissoring attacks makes me think she’d be a great drunk break dancer. Finally she’s Russian so I’m guessing she can drink.

The negatives though. You’ll be fighting off lechy guys throughout the night due to her obsession with black leather jumpsuits, and her stories though interesting, are probably all lies as shes’s a sneaky one. But what I most worry about her is that she’ll bring along Hawkeye if I’m being honest. The 2 seem to be joined at the hip and I’d rather stay in (well not at the moment) then go out with CLINT FARTON. The crap Legolas. No thanks. Still though 6/10.

Hulk

This guy is a goddamn liability — but like one of those liabilities you can’t help but love. He’s like 10 shots of tequila. You KNOW it’s a bad idea — but you’re going to do it anyway aren’t you? You absolute mess. Straight away there’s some massive pros of a drink with Hulk. Free drinks all night — the bartender is giving you what you want, and the bouncer ain’t gonna throw you out. He’s going topless, which if you saw on Geordie Shore — you’d judge. But with Brucey boy you’re loving it. He’s just here to smash. And really when it comes down to it — aren’t we all? Just don’t go to an upstairs bar with him — guy HATES stairs.

There are some downsides though it has to be said. First of all — finding a table that fits him is ridiculously difficult. So you’re inevitably going to end up propping up the bar. You also have to keep him slightly angry all night — or he’s transforming back to Banner and that guy’s a nerd. Overall though, these are minor inconveniences. The guy’s a bit of a legend, not a big talker, he’s not going to spend the night persuading you to read his new crappy blog or his ‘amazing Insta stories’ (Rowan). HE IS HERE TO SMASH. End of story. 7.9/10

Iron Man

Okaay we’ve made it to the original f*** boi. Yes he can go off the rails sometimes so you’ll need to keep him in check. He’s also pretty arrogant and probably slept with every woman you’re eyeing up in the bar already (there’s a 1000% chance you’re already wiener cousins). When he gets drunk he’ll insist on ACDC on the jukebox which isn’t as good as Boogie Pimps but you can live with it.

But none of this matters. He has facial hair to die for. This guy is the Quip King. His side eye is legendary. Straight away we know he’s rolling in the cash. No Fosters this night. No we are going to treat ourselves to Punk IPA. And it’s all on T-Dawg. What a great guy! He doesn’t even go to the toilet every 3 minutes (a most annoying trait) as he can pee in his suit. This guy is a perfect drinking partner. I love him 3000. 9/10

Conclusion

Iron Man is the clear highest scorer from these contenders. Women want to be with him, men want to be him. There are some other contenders sure, Ant-Man has the weird miracle grow discs which turns 1 pint into like 100 (side note, hasn’t Ant-Man low key solved world hunger with that? But just doesn't really do anything with it? What a dick). Scarlett Witch would bring Paprikash which is an excellent alternative to a donor kebab. But Tony Stank himself has to win it. And with that I have answered a question that literally nobody has asked. Go me.

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Scott Drayton

Scott Drayton

Only the biggest issues discussed.

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